Snap By Snap

 
Christmas is over. The tree is gone, the needles remain. The cookies are gone, the calories live on. It is now 2010, in spite of the fact that I will continue to write "2009" for months. 

In 2010 I will turn 49. My older family members would snicker up their sleeves if I were to get dramatic about this fact, but nevertheless, it's a notable year to me. My mom was 49 when she died. I know that I'm in pretty good health and most likely will live long enough to be a burden (or at least an annoyance) to my daughter, so I'm not worried. It's just that life has noticeably changed in the last two years. I get glimpses of directions my life could take if left untended, or if given a little attention.

I have never been one for New Year's resolutions. They are so appealing in theory, but then the holiday is over and the distractions of commuting, work, and what to eat for dinner take over my life once more. I may not often make resolutions, but I do like to have goals. And the older I get, the more I need them. When I was younger I think I lived more in the moment, hoping the future would take care of itself. But still I had goals. Goals to move to the next level of life: Get married, have a family, buy a house, get a degree, get a job. Things to attend to, to check off a list.

Attention is a valuable commodity. We have a limited amount, and we get to choose how to spend it every day. Children must have it in ample supply to thrive. Good marriages require it. Careers need a certain amount of it to move in the right direction. But for the most part, I squander this valuable resource. I spend too much of it in once place or another, or allow it to be fragmented into meaningless bits too small to have any effect.

I want, this year, to spend much more of my attention on God. I want to pray with complete attention to the conversation. If prayer is a two way conversation, I must be a very annoying participant. I'm constantly looking off over His shoulder and wondering what's for lunch, forgetting what I was saying. Not acceptable.

I want, this year, to give more focused attention to myself. I supposed it is stereotypical for a middle aged woman with an empty nest to suddenly be all, "me, me me." It isn't about that. But instead of wasting my time and attention by fracturing it into nothingness, I want to be intentional about my life in big and small ways. I don't want the next ten years to pass and find that I'm unhappy with what I have let happen to me. In the areas where a little attention can make a difference, I want to spend it.

My favorite photographs are the result of focused attention. A moment focused on relationship, on relaxation, a talk. Here are a few: