Thursday, January 7, 2010
27
7:59 PM | 
Posted by
Cheryl |
It is really too late at night to begin writing anything, but tomorrow is my anniversary. 27 years ago Mark and I walked down the aisle to the hymn "On Christ the Solid Rock" said "I do."
I knew Mark loved me, and yet for the first few years of our marriage I needed contant reassurance. I battled depression and anxiety, and went into therapy. I asked Mark many times a day, "Do you love me?" Never once did he lose his patience with me. He did not begin looking around for someone who would be more appreciative of his love. Instead he prayed for me and patiently told me over and over (and over) again that he loved me. Then he would tap his finger on my heart and say, "When will it get in there?" And you know what? It finally did. My road to freedom from depression and anxiety felt very long in those days, but Mark never wavered. And he laid the foundation for my healing and for our life together. He taught me how to love as Jesus does.
On Christ the Solid Rock
My hope is built on nothing less,
than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.
Monday, January 4, 2010
All six horses
8:17 PM |
Posted by
Cheryl |
Christmas is over. The tree is gone, the needles remain. The cookies are gone, the calories live on. It is now 2010, in spite of the fact that I will continue to write "2009" for months.
In 2010 I will turn 49. My older family members would snicker up their sleeves if I were to get dramatic about this fact, but nevertheless, it's a notable year to me. My mom was 49 when she died. I know that I'm in pretty good health and most likely will live long enough to be a burden (or at least an annoyance) to my daughter, so I'm not worried. It's just that life has noticeably changed in the last two years. I get glimpses of directions my life could take if left untended, or if given a little attention.
I have never been one for New Year's resolutions. They are so appealing in theory, but then the holiday is over and the distractions of commuting, work, and what to eat for dinner take over my life once more. I may not often make resolutions, but I do like to have goals. And the older I get, the more I need them. When I was younger I think I lived more in the moment, hoping the future would take care of itself. But still I had goals. Goals to move to the next level of life: Get married, have a family, buy a house, get a degree, get a job. Things to attend to, to check off a list.
Attention is a valuable commodity. We have a limited amount, and we get to choose how to spend it every day. Children must have it in ample supply to thrive. Good marriages require it. Careers need a certain amount of it to move in the right direction. But for the most part, I squander this valuable resource. I spend too much of it in once place or another, or allow it to be fragmented into meaningless bits too small to have any effect.
I want, this year, to spend much more of my attention on God. I want to pray with complete attention to the conversation. If prayer is a two way conversation, I must be a very annoying participant. I'm constantly looking off over His shoulder and wondering what's for lunch, forgetting what I was saying. Not acceptable.
I want, this year, to give more focused attention to myself. I supposed it is stereotypical for a middle aged woman with an empty nest to suddenly be all, "me, me me." It isn't about that. But instead of wasting my time and attention by fracturing it into nothingness, I want to be intentional about my life in big and small ways. I don't want the next ten years to pass and find that I'm unhappy with what I have let happen to me. In the areas where a little attention can make a difference, I want to spend it.
My favorite photographs are the result of focused attention. A moment focused on relationship, on relaxation, a talk. Here are a few:
They say that a child's work is their play, so I guess that means it's a mom's work, too. And for what it's worth, attention never spoiled a child. Indulgence might, but not attentionl
Searching for a college used up a LOT of attention, but it also produced some pretty special times.
Our favorite kinds of vacations are "being" vacations. Attention is plentiful because there are no distractions. The hard part is spending the attention on making sure vacations happen. This is from a trip to Door County, Michigan. Sunsets, kayaking, a lot of overcast, and a couple of brilliantly beautiful moments by the water.
Lake Michigan - cold or not, if there's water, our feet are in it. We took time to walk, to sit, to take it all in for as long as we wanted. Now that's a way to spend a day's attention.
Attention spent on each other makes us happy. I don't have pictures of the long walks, talks over dinner, hands held and hugs given that also represent this attention - but may we never forget to spend that attention.
Homeschooling was one of the best uses of my extended attention ever. I learned more than I did in 16 years of school. I learned a lot about Amy, too. But when you spend attention, you are choosing not to spend it other places. You must make a choice. Concentrated attention, disciplined attention, yields amazing results.
I'd love to see the results of concentrated attention in the next few years. We all spend our lives distracted - pulled in six different directions at once. But every once in a while we find the motivation to get all of our horses pulling in the same direction and we take off. We focus, we make great strides, we surprise ourselves. The trick is in the motivation.
Maybe that's the thing about 49, for me. It makes me wonder what is possible, and I'm hopeful about that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
About Me
My Blog List
-
What a day! Our new and improved PLAN for attacking New York began at a bus stop right in front of our hotel. For under $4 per person, we were delivered wi...
-
Each year I encourage the C3 class to commit to reading the Bible through in a calendar year. Committing to daily reading of God's word greatly enriches yo...
-
We are home again. After sleeping 10 hours, I woke to find Mark in the living room watching Geronimo starring Matt Damon, filmed in Monument Valley, of...
-
3752 miles later, we're home. The last two days of driving were a little long, but worth it. We listened to Harry Potter 4 on the way there, and Harry Pott...
-
-
